TheGrease and TheBus [Guest Blog by Chicken Grease]

by World Wide Ed on Thursday, March 11, 2010

by Chicken Grease

If you haven’t managed to indulge our fair city’s TheBus system in a while, or, uh, ever, well, it’s high time that you do. We got rail coming after all, so, practice, citizens. At the very least, you’ll be able to contribute to the inevitable record about what public transportation was like in Honolulu, pre-2525.

The Grease had to take TheBus (hereon referred to not in its mere referent sense, but, rather, as the respective TheBus buses that I took. These would include Express-type buses [which usually take you directly from one major destination to another with a limited amount of stops, i.e., from the main Alapai TheBus lot to the place of ya’ll residence or whatever; these Express buses usually operate in the morning and afternoon, catering to TheWork crowd] and regular city buses [you know, the kind we grew up with way back when. The kind the folks told you and your friend(s) to take to go beach, movies, comic book shops sometimes w’en they was lazy drive us keeds. Gosh. I really hate the language we use to describe our hana bata days, don’t you? Yeah, you do, too. Anyway . . .], which are seemingly the opposite – the city buses stop at every bus stop so much so that if you’re somehow carrying a history book with you whilst on a city bus, take a look inside once you reach your destination; your own route might be addressed in there. And I know what you’re thinking: why’s this parenthetical reference so long? Show your kids. Tell ’em a parenthetical passage this long will get them a treacherous, and deserved, red mark on essays) recently because his car, you know, had something wrong, yeah? I must admit, though, initially realizing TheBus as the best way to take a brotha’ to and from the workage in my case, The Grease’s hips weren’t exactly movin’ like “yyyyyeahhhh,” the bus driver would’ve, instead, called HPD if I asked him to play my favorite song (via announcement speakers on TheBus; more on that in a moment, yeah?), and, in the end, the churning in a brotha’s gastro’ while ol’ big yellow, white, and black trimming in motion couldn’t exactly be linked to butterflies. Ehyyy-yaaayyyyy eee-yay-yay, not ‘zactly a party on TheB-U-S. Ahem.

All ½ kidding aside, The Grease has greased a newfound appreciation of this award-winning (oh, yes! TheBus was bestowed the American Public Transportation Association’s equivalent of the Best Picture Oscar as America’s Best Transit System in 1994 and 2000[1] [!] as confirmed with a bus driver TheGrease spoke to; oh, ‘nother thing here: there is a warning on TheBus to please not speak to TheBus driver whilst TheBus is being operated and/or is in motion. Certainly doesn’t explain why they’re able to talk on their cell phones so much – HA, HAAAAA, nah, nah, nah, jus’ joking ’bout that!) mass transportation system. You must needs wonder dosh’te[2] people LOVE their kurumas[3] so much and/or hate on TheBus enough so that they, uh, what’s the word, uh, oh, yeah, so that they NEVER include this very proved Oahu public transportation in at least, oh, I dunno, ONCE OR TWICE A YEAR, MAYBE in their shopping, love affairs, movie goings, and street parties goings to around town?! S’matter? Hah? Bus too good fo’ you, brah???

[Composes self] Well, award-winning or not, TheGrease – in his livin’ la vida renaissance o’ TheBus – hath noticed a few things ’bout TheBus of Honolulu of today. Come along and reminisce (’cause my cah fix alreadies, cheee dahggies!!!!) with bruddah as if we’re listening to an old-time slow jam that the radio station nevah play long time, OK? Let’s ride:

  • Preciously located near the in/out doors of TheBus are clear (relatively speaking) plexiglass-type windows/partitions. Upon first glance of the oddly-shaped plexiglass, you wonder why they’re there. You also wonder if they’re somehow bulletproof (which in itself presents a conundrum – those plexiglasses aren’t big enough to cover even the skinniest of us, and, anyways, oh, mercy, if you’ve seen WHO boards TheBu . . . oh . . . I better shut my Rod Tam-ness up). And, you know, you recognize these flat panels from somewhere else, I mean, you’ve HONESTLY seen such panels before – not fake kind flashback that you use to tell girl at club, “‘ey, I t’ink I seen you from befo’.” The Grease is still trying to figure out wh . . . oh, waitaminute, I JUST recalled (“recall, recall, recall!!!” Hey, how come HBO doesn’t air Total Recall on a more regular bas . . . sorry for this tangent. Let’s move on, sorry), yeah they remind you of the partition glass between and an inmate and visitor in prison movies!
    It might also be fair to mention that the material from such penal code partition fare seems to be shared by TheBus’ own outer windows and windshields. What? You thought such monolith, easy-for-kids-to-hit-rocks-with passenger crafts included GLASS windows? And if luck chooses a window seat for you, you might well notice, oops, yeah, you’re reading this right . . . a substance smeared upon such window that would’ve fit just perfectly in Alien egg and face-hugger scenes from the Alien films. Yeah. Though you quickly surmise that the “eyeuuuuww” is, in fact, hair grease (no relation) unintentionally left by some poor soul so tired during his destination that he went comatose enough to . . . well . . . enough to unconsciously smear his head grease on TheBus window [!]. Poor t’ing, but, what a decidedly unique ambience, then!

Chicken Grease

  • Sticking to décor, seats on TheBus of today are cloth-based and, so, yeah, I initially wondered what all of you are wondering here: is there a TheBus person or people specifically assigned to go through each TheBus with a brush or vacuum to eradicate any of TheLice (I mean, we learned as much from our elementary school days, no?) from such cloth seats? I mean, the immediate contact area is just NOT a place to get TheUkus infection. I think one of Dr. G. Watanabe’s recent blogs, yes, here at the Advertiser Blogs, talked about scabies, too, so, go take a look. Oh, I digress. Well, nothing ended up happening to bruddah, TheLice-wise during my stint on TheBus. Also of note: the older buses have a decidedly dudu brown color (what? It’s the color The Grease thought of when he first saw; kind of smart for TheBus to use such scheme, when you think about it) and others, still, instill a red pattern – as if to scream, “OOH, island theme! Volcano-kind you see?!?!” – on their seats. Now, your newer TheBuses sport, wouldn’t you know it, a Nav’i blue theme a-goin’ (this ain’t the last Avatar reference in this WWE sub’. Sorry. Yeah, I’m on Team The Hurt Locker myself) as their own seat covers!!! And this was BEFORE the film’s release [!] as I understand. Bet Pandora doesn’t have new bus smell anywhere in its jungle, though.

Chicken Grease

  • There was that problem a while back with that one TheBus driver playing some kind of hand-held video game while driving. I say promote bruddah if bruddah could manage to even FIT that game where he operated TheBus. Gadzooks! There is hardly any room to DRIVE much less get these poor drivers’ classic Joust play on. I would love to hear yells of “eh, no mo’ room in th’ cabin! UNION!!!” at their next TheStrike. Give these cats a bit more room! In the very least, the size of the Millennium Falcon’s cockpit would do. Then, they’ll be able to bring in a console game system.
  • The Na’vi-studying (see, I told you) Dr. Grace Augustine herself, even, would have one heckuva headache in classifying and categorizing TheBus regular riders. The Grease is telling you, a regular blog is called for TheRegularRidingTheBusFolk. Here are just SOME of them:
    • The owner-starer, whose millisecond mean gaze (that’d make the garden-variety island-flavored stink eye look like one of Lilo’s pals) to convey that you, newbie, are sitting in their regular seat. The owner-starer has somehow extended the cost of bus fare (yes, the same price that you paid) to outright seat ownership. Do not engage in conversation, do not stare back, ignore their heavy, habut[4] steps. They have realized they have lost today; be prepared for aggressive gallop action by the owner-starer tomorrow.

    Chicken Grease

    • TheAlmostTOOWellDressedian for TheBus. SO well-dressed and SO equipped with TheLatestGadgets that you wonder if they manage to afford that with all TheMoney they save by not paying for TheCar, TheCarInsurance, and TheCarRepair.
    • The, you know, God still watches you even off-campusian appears 100% student and usually sports an emblazoned, fancy and sometimes stitched school crest on the shirt being worn. Facial skin condition (i.e., acne). Emits foul language and enough gossip that would get thee most gossipiest gossip girl from your own alma mater to a nunnery like one that might be associated with the campusian’s very school if she had to contend with such next generation gossip. Your best bet in dealing with this particular encounter is to pretend to ignore them (they tend to travel in packs) as you will discover an inability to ignore their rants more fit for a Dante’s Inferno and Comedy Hour live show; see, this being has evolved to enable itself to project over said spacecraft-class roar of TheBus engine and blaring hate-on Al Gore air conditioning unit.
    • TheTwitterstoSelf without ‘lectronic devician, speaks to self and, well . . . none have managed to get the, what’s Ed say? Oh, yeah, the “dilly-o” on this cat. Just leave this one be.
    • The “What? Only use TheBus when yo’ cah need servician?” People like Chicken Grease. ‘Nuff said.

There’s more. But, like I said . . . ‘nother blog needed for the thousand other types.

  • Now, TheBus riders are treated to periodic, recorded announcements from loudspeakers ‘pon TheBus ceiling. These hand-crafted, constant, indoctrinating announcements would make an OCP Corporation/World War II Axis/Lord Vader’s minions collective quite jealous. Thought you could take a nice nap on pub’ trans’ as was somehow implied in a TheBus “hey you should ride, you know?” fancy brochures and TV ads? Check out a few o’these TheBus gospels and judge for thyself:
    • “Please silence mobile phone ringers and refrain from loud conversations while riding TheBus.” This is assuming you can hear your handheld a-ringing and/or hold a conversation (or talk to yourself when it comes to some TheBus riders, see above TheBus TheRegulars discussion) above previously mentioned NASA rocket-like decibel-class engine and the anti-Al Gore blare of TheBus air conditioning unit). Mmm. School kids with school crests on their uniforms are exempt from this rule, apparently.
    • “If you see something, say something. Immediately alert TheBus driver or call 9-11 if you witness any suspicious activities on board TheBus or transits or depots,” something or other. Now, this is my favorite announcement because TheBus shows their concern for my TheBusRider pursuit of safetyness. Mercy, though. What a tall order: ON board the bus AND at transits and depots. I better not read or check e-mail and stay alert, then. Hey, now . . . I thought we implemented Sky Marshals a long time ago. You know, though, I think if the bad guys ends up targeting TheHonolulu TheBus system, I think we pretty much have the suckers cornered, i.e., on an island [!], no? By the time they have to go after our ‘aina to make their point? You would suppose their explosive devices would be laughed out of the store by our own indigenous non-permit firecracker aisles, even. For Pete’s sake, “immediately alert the Bus Driver or call 9-11”??? Whyn’t we craft law outside of Rod Tam logic to give TheBus drivers TheDiscretion to refuse the boarding of ne’er-do-wells and evildoers. They know how they look like, WE riders know how they look like, OK? Crud, somebody call CBS! This has GOT to be 5-0 new series fodder – episode description: McGarret and a heavily armed 5-0 crew attempt to neutralize a suspicious activity onboard . . .
      Well. At least I got to fit in a quasi-The Hurt Locker reference, yuk yuks. AND a 5-0 reference? From the NEW show? Do I get points for THIS, Ed?
      [Note: See “Epic Beard Man” on Youtube for the above. Classic!]
    • Street announcements. TheBus, I kid you not, via this announcement system, will mention the respective street at which TheBus a few seconds ‘fore reaching the respective stop. Consider, especially in the case of a long TheBus ride, a rider’s anticipation in arriving at their happy place via TheBus; such rider’s yearning finds, indeed, kinship with something ‘tween the juvenile classic “are we THERE yet?” with the adult-based air travel self-prayer of “let’s get there THIS YEAR please!” Yet, here, TheBus has managed to give more than they need to (see? Giving isn’t always better than receiving). These street announcements make you think you’re on some other alternate Oahu (Lost eat your heart out). TheBest example of what a Grease is a-talkin’ ’bout finds itself in how certain Diamond Head-heading TheBuses will make a stop at . . . well, you know the King Kamehameha I statue facing Iolani Palace? Well, apparently, that’s a MAJOR, MAJOR TheBus stop (as the digital marquee onboard TheBus evinces). Note that the announcement at THAT stop goes a little somethin’ like this: “Iolani Palace, King Kamehameha statue, Honolulu Hale, Kukui Gardens, Main Library, Queen’s Hospital . . .” and, so, you quickly question if we actually have that many places on the island. Or maybe The Grease was out of town the day The Incredible Hulk came to town and mashed up all these places in one big, 100 foot concrete and metal ball. OK, OK, all right, heck, I get it: guess TheBus figured some of us need an overage of sticklers to tell you where you’re at. I dunno if such folk need to relocate to a less challenging geographic like a 10 foot by 10 foot island [!].
    • “As a reminder, please offer seats to the elderly and to persons with disabilities.” “Shucks,” I thought, when I first heard this one. THE one thing I was looking forward to in my forced bus journeys was to refuse my seat to these types – I mean, how d’a heck d’ey rate more than me, I figgah. They get to have reserved seats? A “regulation” the signs on TheBus tell me? Come ON, now, I mean, I’m standing strong on two feet – there MUST be some law still on the books that define me as more superior to both classes, I just know it. “Offer seats to the elderly”? That MUST somehow be wrong; we live in a very youthful tech’ age, by gum. Anyway, just WHO d’a heck qualifies as “passengers with disabilities?” Someone call Rod Tam, please.

Like TheBus “friends,” these announcements are just SOME of the announcements you’ll hear as TheBus’ wheels go ’round and ’round.

Now, The Grease wants to conclude (and, really, it’s about time I end all this, yeah?) with how TheBus riding presents a fine way to experience keita no denwa[5] texting while riding (but, not personally driving; oh, no, kid, we know that’s not allowed [!]) at 60+ miles per hour (and, tangent: hooo, baby, best BELIEVE some of these drivers make you see President Lincoln, Kamehameha [all of ’em], authentic World War II battles, and dinosaurs with how fast they drive; TheBus Admin’ and bosses, please, no scol’ these drivers ’cause fun, yeah, ‘cuz? Fo’ us riders). So if you want to get in the face of the law and morality AND do so LEGALLY, well, pull out that overpriced plan keita no denwa and start texting as Union bruddah happily drives you to wherever you need to go. I trust all of you, so, I’ll give you a glimpse into one of The Grease’s private, recent texts rendered on L’TheBus:

GREASE: [sends txt mssg.] “Yo.”

GREASE FRIEND: [responds] “what’s up?”

GREASE: “I dunno. Just texting you.”

GREASE FRIEND: “what?”

GREASE: “I am on the road.”

GREASE FRIEND: “dangerous!”

GREASE: “I am on TheBus.”

GREASE FRIEND: “I don’t have unlimited text like you what you want?”

GREASE: “I am just trying out to see what it is like to text at 60 MPH.”

[no response from GREASE FRIEND until the end of The Grease’s ride, about 1/2 hour, for the record]

So there. Better stop here (pardon the pun, heh, get it? “Stop here”? As in “bus stop”? Ha haaha ahaha hahaha hhaah ah haa h . . ha .. . ha . . . ha).

And I just better stop altogether. Hey, go green other than with UH sports, OK? No sce’d, give your cash and credit cards a break from the gas station sometimes and take TheBus to ya’ll future destinationses.

Thank you for your attention.

– Chicken Grease

——-

[1] As indicated in TheBus thrived under manager’s leadership article by Venus Lee, from the 07/21/2005 The Honolulu Star Bulletin, from archives.starbulletin.com . . . what the . . . a reference from THE COMPETITION??? Eek. Eh! Keep TWO ‘papers in d’is town!!!! Wikipedia’s article on the Honolulu TheBus system mentions these two awards as well. So, there.

[2] “Dosh’te” = “why” in the Japanese lingua. Are you able to read this small font? Yeah? Excellent.

[3] “Kurumas” = “cars,” also in the Japanese language. Sorry, I’ll stop. Well, I’ll try. OK?

[4] You don’t need an explanation for “habuts” do you? Ask around if you do. Sheesh.

[5] “Keita no denwa” = “mobile phone” or “carry around phone” . . . again, in the Japanese language. OK, for reals, this was the last footnote reference. Write-up almos’ done anyways.

——-

P.S. The Grease also wanted to include a video of THIS brotha’: Sawada Kenji, with the caption “Brotha’ throws a HAT!!!!”.


Brotha’ throws a HAT!!!!

The Guest Blog Schedule:

  • THU 03/11 – Chicken Grease – “TheGrease and TheBus”
  • FRI 03/12 – kuya.d – “I’m So Over It”
  • MON 03/15 – JMAW – “Something like a Phenomenon”
  • TUE 03/16 – frankie – “The Curse of the Murse”
  • WED 03/17 – kako mochi – “Where in Oregon is kako mochi?”
  • THU 03/18 – tweetpeep22 – “Online Dating Follies – Female Perspective”
  • FRI 03/19 – S-Ticket – “Online Dating Follies – Male Perspective”
  • MON 03/22 – tita leerz – “The Hawaii Visitor’s Survival Guide”
  • TUE 03/23 – skycastles – “Otanjoubi Omedetou Gozaimasu Kurosawa-sama!”
  • WED 03/24 – hemajang – “Where in Hawaii is hemajang?”
  • THU 03/25 – uncle jimmy – “Grab One, Leave One, and Get Reel…”

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