World Wide Ed

Why Women Shouldn’t Take Men Shopping

Wow, two blogs in a row? And, during the holidays no less!? Yep, that’s just the way I Rolo. (Weren’t those just the bomb back in the day? ) I even have another blog queued up for tomorrow, so trifecta hurr we come!

Anyway, this one’s for all y’all procrastinators out there! If you find yourself needing to shop today, on Christmas Eve, you must be outcho damn mind! But seriously, if you need to do a little last minute action, here’s a funny forward I received from a co-worker, to help get you in the mood. Enjoy!

Why Women Shouldn’t Take Men Shopping

Dear Mrs. Sugimoto, (name changed for realism )

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Sugimoto, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away”. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?” EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his
nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

And last, but certainly not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.” One of the clerks passed out.

————————

Talk to me!
* In the comment area below, post another funny thing “Mr. Sugimoto” could do at the store above. Be as creative as you can…

One more day ’til Christmas y’all! The post for tomorrow will contain more funnies. Until then… Shoots!

Men Are Just Happier People

Thought this one was pretty funny… And for those of you who were thinking of scoldin’ me for postin’ this, it was forwarded to me by wifey, so there!

Enjoy gang. Hope y’all have a Happy Fun Day Monday! Even though my Phillies are in deep (DEEP!) trouble, I still wish you a good one! Nah, nah! Have a great week yo!

NOTE: D’oh! Was just told that sistah Shauna already posted this one so I’ve moved it to the bottom (for those who still want a giggle) and am now giving you new, bonus kine action up top! Enjoy!

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People What do you expect from such simple creatures?

* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can never be pregnant.
* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
* You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* The world is your urinal…
* You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky..
* You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Same work, more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* Wedding dress: $5000. Tux rental: $100.
* People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
* New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet..
* One mood all the time.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat..
* You know stuff about tanks.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase..
* You can open all your own jars.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
* Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You almost never have strap problems in public.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
* You only have to shave your face and neck.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
* You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
* You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

—

NICKNAMES

1. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
2. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

1. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
2. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
2. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

1. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
2. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

1. A woman has the last word in any argument.
2. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

1. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
2. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
2. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

1. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
2. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

1. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
2. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

1. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
2. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

1. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
2. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

—

For a little fun, how about adding your own reason(s) (in the comment area below) why you think Men Are Just Happier People… Here’s mine:

IMAGE

1. A woman looks at other women and instantly compares herself to them.
2. Men never look at other men. Oh yeah! You like dat one yeah!?

—

And please check out my new article: Koko Head Crater Trail Hike – Nature’s Stairmaster.

Koko Head Crater Trail Hike – Nature’s Stairmaster

Shoots!

P.S. Parts of my Shane Victorino interview will be airing on Tiny TV starting tonight at 10:30PM on OC16 (Oceanic Digital Channel 16 or HD Channel 1016). Check it out!

Fun Day Monday: You Know You’re Living in 2009 When…

Since we’re about half way through the year, I think it’s a good time as any to bust out a joke about the now. Enjoy y’all!

1.  You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
 
2.  You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
 
3.  You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
 
4.  You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
 
5.  Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
 
6.  You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
 
7.  Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
 
8.  Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
 
10.  You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
 
11.  You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 
 
12.  You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
 
13.  Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
 
14.  You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
 
15.  You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.
 
16.  And now you’re laughing at yourself.

Talk to me!
* Ahaha! So wot? Did you actually notice there was no #9? Be honest!
* Got any more to add to the list?

Fun Day Monday: Your Age By Chocolate Math

Since we’ve got a lot of chocolate lavahz up in hurr, here’s one I got via email that you may enjoy.

Chocolate Calculator:

This is pretty neat. Don’t say your age; you will probably lie anyway!

DON’T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST

It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read.

Be sure you don’t read the bottom until you’ve worked it out!

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 — I’ll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759.  If you haven’t, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS!

Talk to me!
* Did it work?
* Did this make you feel old?
* Are you one of dem chocolate lavahz?
* How was your weekend?
* How’s your week lookin’ so far?
* Hope this put a smile on your face to start the week!

Fun Day Monday: Husband of the Year Awards

After reading last week’s Why Men Don’t Live As Long As Women post, bruddah che sent over this rebuttal for us men to enjoy. And although it’s not exactly a rebuttal (still seems to be written by a woman for other women), if you look at it in just the right way, it could turn your “Oh No She Di-ent” to “Oh Yeahhhh!” Haha! Ladies and Fellas, please enjoy the following equally.

Husband of the Year Awards

The honorable mention goes to:

The United Kingdom

…followed closely by The United States of America

and then …………… Poland

but 3rd Place must go to ……… Greece

it was very very close but the runner up prize was awarded to….

…………. Serbia

but the winner of the husband/partner of the year …… is ……..

Ireland

Ya gotta love the Irish.

The Irish are true romantics. Look, he’s even holding her hand.

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now…. I never looked at it this way before:

Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with MEN?
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND …
When we have REAL trouble, it’s a
HIS terectomy ..

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them …….

Remember You Don’t Stop Laughing Because You Grow Old,
You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing

—

Hope you enjoyed that one. Mahaloz again Bruddah che! Have a great week y’all!

Why Men Don’t Live As Long As Women

tita leerz is responsible for this one… that jerk. Hehe, nah! She wen forward me this to post for you guys. Enjoy!

Standing on a bucket on TOP of a ladder, brilliant.

That CAN’T be right.

Ummmm at least someone’s holding the ladder steady

Isn’t this a violation of the seatbelt laws?

Shouldn’t he be wearing a lifejacket?? (Also fits under you might be a red neck!)

Wonder what HE makes an hour? It can’t be enough.

Who needs a truck?

Oh yeah, THAT’s safe!

HMMM, maybe he couldn’t see the huge yellow sign that said CLEARANCE.

Hey, I strapped it down!

Hey, he has a special license to drive that truck.

No problem, I can see through the holes.

It starts at a young age and men just get worse.

You hold it while I whack it with this hammer.

A new OSHA approved substitute for ladders.

Ropes are for sissies.

All I wanna know is, HOW?

In a hurry?

I can cut it down AND load it in the truck!!

and finally…

Why Men Shouldn’t Take Messages

Why Men Shouldn’t Take Messages

Pretty funny yeah? That last one is da bes’!

In our defense though, it’s not very clear who is driving in some of those car ones (gas tank, bridge, etc.). Right fellas? *grin* Not pointing any fingers, but perhaps it wasn’t actually the male species behind the wheel? I’m just sayin’…

Talk to me!
* Which pic is your favorite?
* Ever seen or heard of any of the above happening closer to home?
* Men: sound off (defend our honor)!
* Women: add fuel to the fiyah (give it to us)!

It’s WWE’s 1st birthday party celebration tomorrow yo! Yeah YEAH! We’re gonna be promo’d in the physical paper too! Awwwright!

Support the paper and pick one up and then come back here to join the party online a-ight!? Shoots!

P.S. Check out my Spam Jam article just posted today!

Spam Jam Thank You Ma’am!

Fun Day Monday: Women’s Study

Arrrgggghhh! The start of another loooong work week. Let’s start the week off on the right foot shall we? Here’s a little “laugher” – forwarded to me recently – to help put a smile on that face. Enjoy!

Women’s Ass Size Study

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. Here are the results:

* 25% of women think their ass is too fat…
* 10% of women think their ass is too skinny…

The other 65% say that they don’t care; they love him, he’s a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

Get it?

Talk to me!
* Soooo ladies…. how do you feel about your ass? Do you have one? Do you wish you could have someone else’s? Fat? Skinny?
* Fellas, apologies. Help me get em back by posting a good, manly joke below. *grunt*

Have a good week y’all!

Fun Day Monday: Getting Pulled Over

Here’s a funny one to start off your week. It was forwarded to me by one of my AroundHawaii.com writers.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Dammit, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

“Only when he’s been drinking” replied his wife.

Talk to me!
* Sound familiar?
* Who do you think is right? Wrong?
* Would you have done what the wife did?
* If you were the husband, what would you have done?
* How would you have reacted if you were the officer?
* Hope your Monday is going better than this driver!

Happy Fun Day Monday y’all!

Fun Day Monday: You Know You’re Local If…

Can we all just please bow our heads and take a moment to count our blessings? Last week, for the first time in WWE history (I think), the comment count to one of my blogs surpassed 40! Granted, we were talking about Top Chef when the topic was Ringtones… but I’ll take it. Don’t ruin my moment.

So what is a brutha to do to try and follow that historic moment in time? Well, how about beat it!? Let’s go for 50… or more!? What the heck right?

Help a brutha fulfill this prophecy and post your feedback below k? You da bes’! In the comment area below, finish this sentence:

“You Know You’re Local If…“

(feel free to post multiple times or respond to other people’s posts.   If you need help, click here or here.)

So how ’bout it folks? “You Know You’re Local If…“?

The Man Rules

Happy Monday folks. Hope your weekend was filled with fun and laughter. Let’s continue that loving laughing feeling with a hilarious joke email. Got this one from my softball manager/coach. Pretty funny stuffs! Let us know which is your favorite! Enjoy!

P.S. And remember… No get mad at the messenger k?

===

FINALLY, the guys’ side of the story.
We always hear “THE RULES” from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.   

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ”
ON PURPOSE!

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

Male or Female?

Another one from the joke archives… Have a happy Tuesday yo!

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.  Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
HOURGLASS TIMERS: Hourglass timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Send this to all the women you care about.. .and to any men who appreciate a good laugh.

I know this one, by nature, will not garner many comments, but send some love below anyway and let me know that you’re still alive and reading…

The Sharing of Marriage

Here’s another funny one from the forwarded email collection:

The Sharing of Marriage…

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. 

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. 

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’

She answered

(Continue below…)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
THE TEETH

—

(*pausing for you to catch on*)…

Hahaha! Wasn’t that a good one? I bet ya thought it was going to be a touching, sentimental ending. Did ya have tears in your eyes there for a while? So sorry!

Talk to me!
* What do you and wifey/hubby/bf/gf like to do together/share?
* Does it gross others out as well?

If ya wanna see your Hawaii or wedding related jokes up in hurr, feel free to send um on ova.

P.S. What’s up with this rain yeah? Drive carefully errbody!

9 Words Women Use

It’s joke time again y’all! The differences between men and women are too amusing to ignore. Here’s the 9 Words Women Use, and what they really mean. This is obviously from a woman’s perspective (thanks I guess Erin!), but if ya gots your rebuttal, feel free to post ‘em below. Enjoy!

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say ‘you’re welcome.‘ (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot‘ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome‘ … that will bring on a ‘whatever‘).
8. Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying F*** YOU!
9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?‘ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it’s true

This just goes to show how confusing/complicated women really are… right?